Boasting Over 30 Followers, Cash to Come Pouring In

Nothing makes me feel more like a Modern Woman Of The World than learning about a new technology that was developed in 1996.  In my professional universe, that is the equivalent of asking someone if they’ve seen one of those moving picture boxes called television sets. 

Part of the reason I started this blog was to have a more digital lifestyle, which is sort of BS marketing talk.  Obviously my ultimate end goal is to become rich and famous.  That’s where the new 1996 technology comes in.

Through Amazon associates, I can now link you to books I like (such as Swimming Across by Andrew Grove) so you are just a click away from buying them.  And like any solid get rich quick plan, I will be paid in gift certificates based on how many books my faithful readers purchase.  Of course the main stumbling block in this plan is the fact that I lend my books to most of you that read with any regularity.  And the rest of you only read to make fun of me, which I honestly think is a pretty darn good reason.

This May Not Be the Most Unpopular Blog on the Internet

That is unless I keep writing posts like this one. 

Sorry to those that have trouble posting comments (and I know that includes a couple of relatives and likely no one else).  This is a case of getting what you pay for - free blog hosting available through Blogger!



Relentless self promotion is so annoying.



Age Old Tale of Co-Worker Abuse Comes To Light

Chelsea Handler seems like a difficult boss.  In the new book Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me, which is written by her family, friends and “other victims,” it is pretty clear that she is tortuous in the pranks she plays, but generous as well.  Does that count as buying your friends?  Maybe.  I listened to this as an audio book, which was a good choice since there were chapters told by different people.  But like any book of short stories, some were much better than others.  The chapter from the point of view of her dog Chunk was particularly lackluster for me.

I am too poor to buy my friends, but had the poor man’s version of a Chelsea performance with Blog Follower and Former Co-Worker, Susie.  I worked at a small PR firm in Chicago back in 2005, and managed to get the much smarter and more reliable Susie to do most of my work for me.  I was busy being hungover, making evening plans with friends to induce a hangover and eating sandwiches.  Thus, Susie did most of my workload.  Over the years I have “bought her off” by donating to charity every time she runs a marathon for some cause or another.  Susie is supposedly running these marathons all the damn time, allowing me to feel good about myself for a mere $25 in support of breast cancer awareness, Alzheimer’s, or Yuppie Running Syndrome – whatever is the latest in workout causes. 

I am nowhere near as mean as Chelsea nor as rich as Chelsea.  I don’t know nearly as many words to describe the male anatomy, either.  But I think I enjoy my co-workers – past and present – every bit as much as she does.

If You Were Thinking About Going to Jail, I Recommend Avoiding It

Before I started hanging out with the Bad Girls, I hung out with the Original Bad Girl.  In the eighth grade my best friend (and current Blog Follower) was a trouble maker of the first degree.  I was a Bookworm even then, and our fellow middle schoolers were always amazed at what a pair we made.  Nevertheless while my pal was into older boys and recreational activities that terrified me, we still got along famously. We loved listening to my mom’s old records and she laughed at my (bad, even then) jokes.

We fell out of touch after high school.  She had a two-year old by then and I went to college in Indiana, a state most people in my high school had never really heard of.  Years later I had an extra Christmas card and was looking through my address book for someone to send it to.  I found her mom’s address and sent the card.  I got a letter back months later from jail.

As we became pen pals, I learned all about her experience, and she loved hearing about my life in Chicago. (Work, Drink, Advil, Repeat)  Like any goody two shoes, I was both scared and fascinated by her experience. 

I just finished Orange is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison by Piper Kerman.  It is the memoir of an intelligent woman who made a stupid mistake, just like my friend did.  It’s a very interesting read, and proves that – at least in Kerman’s experience – jail is all about punishment, and not at all about rehabilitation.  Probably not the best way to curb crime.  I admire anyone that can overcome that experience, learn from their mistake(s) and move on.  I can say with confidence that I know one woman who did.

Shipwreck Survivor Goes On To Write Mildly Popular Blog Post Despite Sensational Title

This weekend I went to Virginia Beach to visit my family, while Andrew engaged in the most anti-family activities possible at a bachelor party.

We took a boat out on both Saturday and Sunday.  On Saturday I wondered aloud if I should bring a book, and my brother looked at me as if I had suggested we throw my Mom’s homemade cookies into the ocean.  Therefore, I went bookless and spent the time swimming, sipping Cherry Wheats and SPFing.

On Sunday morning my brother left town so I brought my book onto the boat.  Good thing too, since our boat stalled in the inlet on the way home, right before we made it back to the dock.  We had to be towed back in which was frustrating for everyone except this Bookworm who just read through the ordeal.  My helpfulness astounds even myself sometimes.

If I were a better person, I would have taken photos of the beautiful boat rides to post.  Instead, I am an idiot who jumps into the ocean with my sunglasses on, and as a result is one pair of Ralph Laurens poorer.  The good news is that Bookworm Senior and I had a very successful trip to her local used bookstore, resulting in a towering To Read Pile.

To some, maybe this pile of books is even more scenic than

the dolphin-filled spot where the Chesapeake Bay meets the Atlantic Ocean. 

Probably not though.

Reading Skills Far Outweigh Physical Abilities

Last night I got a recommendation through Good Reads from my sister-in-law Gretchen.  She recommended The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein due to this Bookworm’s love of reading and of dogs.  (Well specifically, love of World’s Best Dog Norman.)  This is an excellent recommendation, but I have read it.  It was actually a gift from Newest Blog Follower / Cubicle Neighbor / Good Friend of WBD Norman - Lindsay.  She gave it to me for Christmas, and I sped through it.  It was a great story told from the point of view of a dog, and I just loved the ending.

Unlike the ending of the rafting trip pictured here.  Oh boy did that rafting instructor not find this Bookworm talented with an oar.  My physical prowess continues to embarrass and dismay.

My sisters-in-law (Gretchen in front, Meghan in back)
both have a good laugh on the James River.
Bookworm goes on to be verbally abused by rowing instructor.

A Way To Spoil The Least Suspenseful Blog Ever

I signed up for Good Reads online, which is basically just a spoiler for this blog since it allows you to tell fellow Bookworms what you are reading, what you have read and what you would like to read.  This blog is wildly successful compared to the three friends I have on Good Reads.  (And there aren’t many things I can say that about.)

Assuming you have more friends signed up to the site that I do, it’s actually pretty cool to go through your friends’ bookshelves and see how their ratings compare to yours on books you have both read, and what books you might want to read next.  I actually saw a book on Blog Reader and Good Reads Friend Sarah’s list that looked so interesting I bought it on half.com immediately, and am reading it now.  If the suspense is killing you, my handle on Good Reads is AllisonOx.  Otherwise, please continue to reluctantly read this blog, likely due to peer (or wife!) pressure.

Bookworm Long Winded in Titles; Skimpy on Content

The Invisible Bridge by Julie Orringer falls under the category of Big Thick Books, and boy was it a good one.  This novel tells the story of a Hungarian Jew who moves to Paris in 1937 to study architecture right on the brink of World War II.  It is sad and at points difficult to read, but an interesting and well written tale.  In fact, at times I was worried about reading it right before I went to sleep, even though made-up science says reading calms you down and helps you sleep.  Lies!

It must be really hard to name a book.  This book was titled after one small reference that was not brought up again, but surely has symbolic meaning.  I think I would fail miserably at writing book titles.  I probably would have called this one The First Half Goes So Well, But It Gets Really Sad Later.  I would have to use a fairly small font on the spine for this kind of verbose title, but since this was a Big Thick Book, it would have worked out ok.

Let’s add my title-writing to the list of why I don’t write books.  (A reminder that the rest of the list includes: no ideas, no attention span.)

My Grandparents Are Cool & Have Even Used Twitter

I bought my first audiobook for me all by myself.  I am quickly becoming addicted to listening books in the car, an additional expense that I certainly cannot maintain long term. 

This weekend my audiobook took me to Melrose Place.  Ok, technically it was my Grandparents’ retirement neighborhood in Williamsburg, but the gossip was just as juicy and included just as many insinuating eyebrow raises.  I am 100% in the loop on which widower wants to marry a refusing widow, who lives in separate apartments next door to each other and the fact that my grandparents are getting high marks in the gym for keeping their indoor-pool ready bods in shape!  All of this while chowing down on a four course meal, which included made-to-order eggs and friendly conversation with the omelet bar chef (who is also allowed to use aforementioned pool).  Why my grandparents want to travel to West Africa this year, I’ll never understand.

Needless to say, after this visit I am looking at retiring as soon as possible, which will necessitate that I stop buying audiobooks (and eating, and running the dishwasher, and paying my mortgage and…) 

Ruining Dave’s Lawn & Other Delightful Tales

No one makes fun of this blog more than my friend Dave.  He is so embarrassed for me that he actually has a pseudonym he created to follow this blog.  That said, he is a big fan of Lost on Planet China by J. Maarten Troost, which I lent to him during our Caribbean vacation.  He has even gone out to purchase Troost’s other books for his upcoming beach week.

So, why am I so nice to Dave you ask?  Because he lets us destroy his lawn with 3 slip n slides.



I thank Dave and a hefty amount of
carwash fluid for this epic ride.




Ruining Dave's yard is a family event. 

World's Best Norman digs large hole.  Sits in it.



A Rather Obvious Stalling Technique

Chop Suey Tuey bookstore is a place I will shop
despite hating my Mom's American Chop Suey dish as a child. 
That was disgusting, this place is nice.

On Saturday, I went to my favorite used bookstore, Chop Suey Tuey.  To my husband’s surprise, I actually traded in a few books instead of just buying them.  I picked out four from the shelf that just weren’t memorable, so I decided I probably wouldn’t lend them to anyone anyway.  This is a major step for me.

Before heading over there, I called the store for some advice about what kinds of books they’d accept.  It largely depends on what they have in stock, and I appreciated their “No Grisham” rule. (Not that I have anything against his books, I’ve never even read one.  I just thought it was funny.  Book jokes!)

Here is how I shop at a used bookstore.  I don’t think there is anything earth shattering here, but I am buying time while I finish a Big Thick Book I am reading.  (This kind of under selling explains a lot about this blog).

·         Look for authors you know.  This is a great chance to buy older novels by an author you really like.  Bookworm example:  I liked Joe College by Tom Perrotta, who is best known for Election.  So his book Little Children seemed like it was worth the $5.95.  Of the two, I still prefer Joe College.  And Perrotta still prefers not to read this blog.  (He wins.)

·         Classics.  High school / college kids are always looking to unload required reading, and often they are books you’d actually like if no one was requiring you to read it.  Bookworm example:  I have a bunch of these. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, Persuasion by Jane Austen, The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas, The Color Purple by Alice Walker.  The nice thing about the Bookworm, is that I don’t make you read anything.  I just suggest it.  Doesn’t that make these titles a lot more tempting?

·         Books that everyone is reading.  Book worm example: If you were really late in the game to read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, you’d be insane to pay full price.  Actually, the best way to get that book is to just cruise your friend’s / parent’s bookshelves.  I think more copies were sold than there are people on earth*.  (*Completely made up statistic.)  At one point there were three copies at my house, and I didn’t even love it that much.  I spent the whole time wondering what kind brain could come up with such a tale.

·         Spontaneous purchases.  It’s fun just to wander when you have time, and pick up something just because it looks interesting.  Bookworm example:  The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon.  I couldn’t resist a book with a dog cut out in the cover, and it was a total win.  What a great book for the friendly little price of $5.95. 

 But the very best way to pick out books is to read this blog, which has a mobile friendly version for your use during book shopping excursions.  I am a master of the interwebs.  (Translation:  I clicked the button that says “mobile friendly” on Blogger.  But I did it for you!)

Jordan Catalano is Hot

Seems like I have had some negative things to say about TV lately, and I’d like to set the record straight.  I like TV, and watch plenty of it.  In fact, I work in advertising.  On TV commercials.  For Comcast.  So yeah, I watch TV.  (And no, I don’t want to hear about your customer service problems.  But did you know that XFINITY On Demand offers 67,000 choices at the time of this writing?!  That’s 3x more than satellite!)

I think because this blog is specifically about my life as a reader, the guilt I feel when I watch too much TV tends to come out.  But there are plenty of shows I do like.  Loyal readers know that my favorite show of all time is Arrested Development.  The second best show ever is The Wire.  I don’t know my rankings 3 - 100 since that would take more time and thinking than I usually put into this blog. I do know that My So-Called Life would probably fall is the 5 – 7 range.  (Remember the Boiler Room episode?  With Jordan Catalano?  Oh boy.)

So, in closing please keep watching TV so I can keep my job. 

I Judge Your TV Choices, Health Department Judges My Restaurant Choices

The other day I was reading this really boring article about how to sleep better.  I have no idea why I was reading it, since I am the best sleeper I know and would be willing to challenge any of you to a Sleep-Off.  (Conditions: 1. I get to sleep in my own bed 2. Somehow World’s Best Dog Norman doesn’t lick my hand 35 times in a row at 7 am.)

Anyway, this lousy article said that watching TV before bed could lead to restless sleep, since you could be watching a cop show or something stressful like the news.  (In the case of Richmond, they have a point since the top news stories are always about devastating kitchen situations in my favorite restaurants.)  The article recommended that you read before bed. 

First of all, duh.  I have been reading before bed since I was approximately zero years old.  And secondly, how could this writer assume that watching TV, which is often a mind numbing activity, be any more stressful than an action packed or suspense-filled novel?  I'm pretty sure actual scientists have looked at this and determined that your brain shuts off completely when watching TV. 

I would like this person to read Résistance: A Woman's Journal of Struggle and Defiance in Occupied France by Agnes Humbert before getting some shut eye.  It’s a sweet little biography about a political prisoner that was tortured in a Nazi concentration camp.  Take that, SVU!  I thought it was an interesting story, but when I lent it to my Mom recently, her review was a scrunched up nose that doesn’t translate well to blogging.  Whether you like the book or not it is not exactly a bedtime story, whereas I think whatever is going on with those Kardashian ladies could put you right to sleep. 

Bookworm Is Happy To Be More Popular Than The Toaster Oven at Home

After Andrew and I walked World’s Best Dog Norman last night – which included a classy stop at the local liquor store for scotch – we came home and had some family reading time.  Andrew is my #1, but in his world, I think TV is his #1, and I hopefully fall in line before the coffeemaker.  (Obviously Norman is excluded in this weird ranking system of people and appliances.)  Even during reading time, Andrew likes to have the TV on mute.  I can understand it in a way when sports are on, like the Tour de France (I think?) that was on last night.  Wanting to glance up at the score makes sense to me.  But I have seen him do it even with a bad movie – he just wants moving pictures happening.  He’s so complex.

But even sports can’t tear him from the awesome book he is reading, Fall of Giants by Ken Follett.  This epic novel is the first in a trilogy.  It was released at Christmas, and I think the next two will conveniently drop at Christmastime this year and next (Santa, take note).  Fall of Giants was the only thing on my Christmas list delivered to my in-laws this year, and I finished it in January before starting this tolerable book blog that now boasts twenty-four followers (Marisa, I know you are reading this and could be lucky 25!).  It was the best book I have read so far this year, though there have been some other close contenders (I’m looking at you, Room).  The series will take place over the period of 100 years, and this first book only got through WWI.  That means the next book will take us through the Depression and WW2.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Honestly, Just Not My Best Work Here

This is Garnett's.
Best sandwiches in Richmond and
great place to spend $8 (or more).

I just downloaded the Kindle app onto my iPad because I found a book I wanted to read for only $2.99!  (Please note that I rarely use exclamation points and reserve them for either extreme sarcasm or something very deserving.  In this case, the latter.) I would have paid $15 to buy it “used like new 100% GUARANTEED great condition” and have it shipped.  Here are some options for what to do with my huge savings:

·         Buy 1.5 Summer Shandys at the next Nationals game I go to.

·         Select 4 more books to read on my free Kindle app even though it is summer and it is no fun to read the iPad outside.

·         Get a sandwich.  Most likely the Tomato & Mozzarella from Coppola’s or the Smoked Salmon sandwich at Garnett’s.

·         Shut up about it, my story about saving $12 is pretty boring.

Hmmm all of these are tempting options, but I think I will go with the likely unanimous decision of option D, and end this post here.

Bookworm Doesn’t Try Very Hard To Seek Truth

After a lazy Independence Day back at home, I finished The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory.  Gregory is best known for The Other Boleyn Girl, but this storyline came first since it was about Katherine of Aragon (who Anne Boleyn famously booted off the throne).

King Normy Upon His Royal Throne.

If I were to be a British Royal, I prefer the Wearing-Cute-Dresses-To-Canada-Duchess-of-Cambridge brand over the Faking-Love-And-Actually-Fighting-In-Armor kind that Queen Katherine of Aragon lived through in this book.  As of now, no one has really offered me the choice, so Norman remains King of my household, and I have committed to purchasing one lottery ticket (results to be revealed tomorrow).

This book was good, but it was a little longer than it needed to be and not as good as The Other Boleyn Girl.  Supposedly Gregory bases these books on history, but her Boleyn book did not align with the story as told in the Showtime series The Tudors, so I don’t know what really went down.  Surely there is no other way to get historical data other than premium cable and novels, right?  Especially for someone who gets their daily news from People.com.

Brian, Why Don’t You Read My Blog? Love, Your Sister



Husband and Brother may cheer for different teams,
but everyone agrees on delicious Summer Shandys.



As loyal readers know, reading and Pirates baseball are like peas and carrots in our house.  Nothing better defines a Tuesday night on Hanover Avenue, especially if you throw some ice cream in the mix.  There’s no denying that we live large.

This weekend, we took it up a notch.  We drove up to DC to see the Nationals play the Pirates.  And the Pirates won, which they do exactly half the time this season.  Non-sports fans, this is MAJOR.  The short trip included some quality time with my brother who is frighteningly behind in reading his beloved sister’s blog.  To entice him, this posting includes a picture of World’s Best Dog Norman.  

Please admire our patriotism and bravery for driving to the nation’s capital on 4^th of July weekend, which we could not have faced without our most recent audiobook.  I don’t think I can ever face 95 again without the cajoling tones of a British narrator.  I practically enjoyed that bland, soulless highway – all the ride really needed was more ice cream. 

Spoiled Dog enjoys new baseball toy to celebrate American Independence. 
Does not understand symbolism.

Profitable Dreams Welcome Here

Yesterday during some corporate feel goodery, we were challenged to think about what our dream is during the quarterly staff meeting.  It was quickly followed up by letting us know that we should pursue it on our own time unless it would be profitable for the Agency.  Nevertheless, it got me thinking.

One of my dreams is to win the lottery.  This is highly unlikely due to the statistical odds, especially when you take into account the fact that I do not play the lottery.  Luckily my friend Dave has pledged $3MM to Andrew and I if he wins “big” so we can be available for afternoon slip n’ slides and mid-week sandwich/beer consumption.  So let’s just say that steps have been taken to secure this dream.  (Note to self:  Confirm Dave actually plays the lottery.)

Another dream – and the one that came to mind first – is to write a book.  Here are my excuses for not starting this in any sense:

·         I have no ideas for a plot whatsoever.  (Click here for evidence.)

·         Based on the popularity of this blog, I don’t think there is what we marketers would call “demand.”

·         My writing is so interesting that my #1 Reader Kiley A) has known me since middle school and B) has demanded photos to sustain her interest.  Not a good sign.

·         Bookworm attention span falters by fourth paragraph.

In conclusion, if any of you have outlines for a four paragraph book idea, please submit through the rarely working (or so it would seem) “comments” feature on this blog.  I look forward to stealing from you.